Jeff Vrabel: BP, clean up the ocean and stop reading Twitter

The best line I've heard about the horrific oil leak that may or may not be closed, and may or not be still leaking away and may or may not have something to do with the full moon and may or may not be 11 million gallons or 50 million or eleventybillion gallons depending on which wafer-thin BP-issued Lie Producing Machine was activated this week, comes from Jimmy Fallon, who said, "BP wants Twitter to shut down a fake BP account that is mocking the oil company. In response, Twitter wants BP to shut down the oil leak that’s ruining the ocean." (This is, in fact, a Jimmy Fallon joke, despite my initial crediting of it online to somebody else, which I did because somebody else took credit for it. The music industry was right: This "Internet" is AWFUL.)

At press time, the best information I can get about the oil leak is that no one has the remotest idea what to do about the oil leak; it's like the "Lost" island of Gulf-fouling holes in the ground, except this will almost certainly have a much less satisfying resolution. At least the characters in "Lost" had the good fortune to end up in a heavenly anteroom or whatever, it is much difficult to open the door to such places when you're a cormorant who's dripping with a full-body coating of black goo.

This much is clear, though: The "top kill" method, the 490th oil-plugging maneuver attempted by BP and one with easily the best name of the bunch (seriously, nothing good has ever happened with a "top hat," just ask President Lincoln), may POSSIBLY BE WORKING! Or not. We just can't know until the BP scientists have videoconferenced with the PR department and international marketing.

But speaking of marketing, BP fans will note that there's now a group tweeting as http://twitter.com/@BPglobalPR, which is one of those ideas that you CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DIDN'T THINK OF WHEN YOU DRINKING LAST WEEKEND but whatever, this isn't about me, this is about corporate evil, and wanting to occasionally eat some fish.

Chances are good you've already laughed at @BPglobalPR, unless, of course, you work for BP, in which case you probably have to laugh at it by attempting to plug up your own chortles before your boss walks by and you have to pretend you were looking at Marmaduke. Of course, this is unlikely, because your boss probably isn't there, because he's either outside dodging thrown plastic-bagfuls of nickels and maybe some salsa containers en route to what will likely be his highly egged car, or online desperately clicking through job-search boards as quickly as he can through uncontrollable sobbing.

Hilariously, and in news that will be pleasing to anyone with a human soul, the Fake BP Twitter account enjoys about four times as many followers as the Real BP Twitter account, which makes sense, as the real one is basically just page after page of elderly executives diving shirtless into two-story-tall mountains of money. But as you might guess, there is a small percentage of people who are displeased with @BPglobalPR, and they work for BP Global PR, and they tried to get Twitter to shut down the fake account, because they are big fat giant candypants crybabies who have apparently found the time and inclination to work for BP and NOT BE WORKING ON SHUTTING OFF THE MASSIVE OIL LEAK.

Luckily, Twitter, in what will go down as the annual piece of good news for journalism and free expression, said yeah, it turns out they can do whatever they want, such as make fun of you for blowing a giant hole in the ocean floor and failing to stop it for five weeks.

Well, listen, old oily people, as someone who knows a thing or two about this social media and very much enjoys watching you twist in the wind but would rather have a Gulf of Mexico, some advice: Embrace the fake site. Work with it. Find some sort of way to partner with them, donate proceeds to charity or the cleanup effort, acknowledge people's insane, deeply warranted frustration with you and try to turn it to something positive. Actually, now that I think of it, don't. Go clean up the ocean.

Jeff Vrabel is currently wearing a top hat. He can be reached at http://jeffvrabel.comand followed at http://twitter.com/jeffvrabel.com.